Knocked up

Knocked up

We all have different experiences when we are pregnant. Some are wonderful and dreamy… and others are absolutely fucking horrible. You even hear of women who don’t know their pregnant until they go into labour! Ha, why couldn’t I have one of those pregnancies. 

Instead, my boobs have grow to a massive 14H, my nipples are bloody itchy all the time, they have grown to the size of oranges and are sporting some interesting brown spots; which I googled and the ladies in the forum tell me it’s normal. Go figure. 

Then, there’s the sex. You can’t starfish that anymore, there’s a baby growing in the way and it’s fucking uncomfortable. Everything jiggles and hurts, it’s like running a marathon without a bra. 

If you thought you would be sleep deprived when the baby comes, think again. In the first trimester your so tired and exhausted that you need 10 hours of sleep a night just to function at 45%. When you factor in work and travel time, your left with barely 3 or 4 hrs to shop, cook and clean. The weekends are to catch up on house work and you guessed it, sleep. Your left wondering why would any woman in her right mind would have a baby. 

I am now in the “honeymoon” stage of my pregnancy. The stage were you glow and people tell you that you look amazing, even though you have gained nearly 10kgs. The nausea is gone but my sky rocketing sex drive is taking over and I’m in a less and less giving mood, and more and more interested in only taking. 

On the plus side, the house is looking less like a bomb went off and I’m more interested in my husband than I have been since I got knocked up.

Sleep time



Love Glove

Love Glove

As a woman, I am skilled in the art of buying female products.  It’s not that complicated. There is light, medium and super flow, all pretty self-explanatory. Then as we all know there are different brands that offer a range of quality and price etc.

However, shopping for condoms is not so simple. I found myself in the cosmetics aisle of Woolworths staring blankly at the condom section. There was so many brands and types and sizes. I can tell you that I was standing there for an unusually odd amount of time.

How big is his dick? Is it big enough for Extra-Large or does he only need a Regular? I didn’t want to offend by getting the regular if infact he was large. I will note that there was no small option, not that he needed it but there are definitely some who would.

I became confused with way too many options about size, colour, flavour, ribbed, studded, ice cool, glow in the dark, warming, pleasure shaped and edible (eeew).

Eventually I chose regular and plain. I left feeling  utterly defeated. Why have the big brands not yet made this a simple transaction. And why (for the love of god) do they only supply one sachet of lubricant. Is that for the one out of 12 times you can put it in her bum. 

Take a leaf out of the stocking manufactures and put a bloody diagram on the back of the packs, showing sizes, including width to length, so matter what size your man’s dick is, whether it is a Stump or a Baloney Pony, you will be able to accurately buy the right side.

Peace out.